He who goes to bed, and goes to bed sober,
Falls as the leaves do, and dies in October;
But he who goes to bed, and does so mellow,
Lives as he ought to, and dies a good fellow.
I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no
I have very poor and unhappy brains for drinking. I could wish
courtesy would invent some other custom of
A young Englishman came to Washington and devoted his days and
nights to an earnest endeavor to drink all the Scotch whiskey there
was. He couldn't do it, and presently went to a doctor, complaining
of a disordered stomach.
"Quit drinking!" ordered the doctor.
"But, my dear sir, I cawn't. I get so thirsty."
"Well," said the doctor, "whenever you are thirsty eat an apple
instead of taking a drink."
The Englishman paid his fee and left. He met a friend to whom he
told his experience.
"Bally rot!" he protested. "Fawncy eating forty apples a
If you are invited to drink at any man's house more than you
think is wholesome, you may say "you wish you could, but so little
makes you both drunk and sick; that you should only be bad company
by doing so."—Lord Chesterfield.
There is many a cup 'twixt the lip and the
One swallow doesn't make a summer, but it breaks a New Year's
DOCTOR (feeling Sandy's pulse in bed)—"What do you
SANDY (with brightening face)—"Oh, I'm nae particular,
doctor! Anything you've got with ye."
Here's to the girls of the American shore, I love but one, I
love no more, Since she's not here to drink her part, I'll drink
her share with all my heart.
A well-known Scottish architect was traveling in Palestine
recently, when news reached him of an addition to his family
circle. The happy father immediately provided himself with some
water from the Jordan to carry home for the christening of the
infant, and returned to Scotland.
On the Sunday appointed for the ceremony he duly presented
himself at the church, and sought out the beadle in order to hand
over the precious water to his care. He pulled the flask from his
pocket, but the beadle held up a warning hand, and came nearer to
"No the noo, sir; no the noo! Maybe after the kirk's oot!"
When President Eliot of Harvard was in active service as head of
the university, reports came to him that one of his young charges
was in the habit of absorbing more liquor than was good for him,
and President Eliot determined to do his duty and look into the
Meeting the young man under suspicion in the yard shortly after
breakfast one day the president marched up to him and demanded,
"Young man, do you drink?"
"Why, why, why," stammered the young man, "why, President Eliot,
not so early in the morning, thank you."
WIFE (on auto tour)—"That fellow back there said there is
a road-house a few miles down the road. Shall we stop there?"
HUSBAND—"Did he whisper it or say it out loud?"
A priest went to a barber shop conducted by one of his Irish
parishioners to get a shave. He observed the barber was suffering
from a recent celebration, but decided to take a chance. In a few
moments the barber's razor had nicked the father's cheek. "There,
Pat, you have cut me," said the priest as he raised his hand and
caressed the wound. "Yis, y'r riv'rance," answered the barber.
"That shows you," continued the priest, in a tone of censure, "what
the use of liquor will do." "Yis, y'r riv'rance," replied the
barber, humbly, "it makes the skin tender."
Ex-congressman Asher G. Caruth, of Kentucky, tells this story of
an experience he once had on a visit to a little Ohio town.
"I went up there on legal business," he says, "and, knowing that
I should have to stay all night, I proceeded directly to the only
hotel. The landlord stood behind the desk and regarded me with a
kindly air as I registered. It seems that he was a little hard of
hearing, a fact of which I was not aware. As I jabbed the pen back
into the dish of bird shot, I said:
"'Can you direct me to the bank?'
"He looked at me blankly for a second, then swinging the
register around, he glanced down swiftly, caught the 'Louisville'
after my name, and an expression of complete understanding lighting
up his countenance, he said:
"'Certainly, sir. You will find the bar right through that door
at the left.'"
See also Drunkards; Good fellowship; Temperance;